On Becoming a Discerning Person Through Spiritual Direction
Charles Reutemann, FSC
These reflections are a practical commentary on a short passage from the prophet Jeremiah: "More tortuous than all else is the human heart, beyond remedy; who can understand it? I, the Lord, alone probe the mind and test the heart' (Jer 17:9)
The image of "journey" as a way of describing day to day movement towards self-knowledge, intimacy with God, and a generous love and service of neighbour has been popular in most ages and many cultures. Written descriptions include The Pilgrim's Progress, The Ascent of Mount Carmel, The Road Less Travelled, the journey into The Interior Castle, and the four-week journey of the Exercises of St. Ignatius. Even the life of Jesus is presented to us as a journey: with Mary and Joseph from Nazareth to Bethlehem, then to Egypt and back to Nazareth. With the apostles: from Nazareth to other parts of Galilee and to Judaea and Samaria, and finally that fatal last journey up to Jerusalem, and then out to the whole world. In particular, the Gospel of Luke/Acts is cast as a splendid journey story. The Gospel resembles a great bus ride, with Jesus as driver, gathering up all the poor and the outcasts: smelly shepherds, tax collectors, prostitutes, fishermen, cripples, widows, the blind, the possessed. All are gathered and brought on the journey to the holy place of Jerusalem. Acts resembles another bus ride, this time led by the Holy Spirit sent by Jesus. More outcasts are gathered - eunuchs, sailors, tent makers, prison guards and merchants - on a bus ride leading to Rome, that symbol of the whole world. Life is a journey, and the most engrossing part is the interior journey of our soul.
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Interior Spiritual Journey What is this soul-journey like? Is it a random alternation of ups and downs, of going forward and falling back, infinitely repeated and repetitive? Or is there a pattern and a meaning to it? One spiritual tradition sees our journey as a line, a one-directional climb with many challenges and falls.. Another and perhaps better spiritual tradition sees the spiritual journey as a spiral, much like the liturgical year cycle. |
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Discernment
Do we notice anything as we circle slowly through the seasons? Things that are happening to us? Things that seem to move us forward and other things that seem to block our way? Of course! One thing we all recognise and that our spiritual guides are particularly attentive to is our freedom. How much inner freedom do we find in us as the years go by: freedom from compulsions, addictions, fixed ways of looking at things? We also begin to recognise that we cannot will our freedom - it is a grace, a gift received from God, like Topsy, or the Velveteen Rabbit. As we move along we also notice our detachment (and it is much akin to freedom): Are we really beginning to lose our ego, to lose that self-regarding self? A third thing we might begin to notice as we journey towards God is our motivation. Are we beginning to live more and more by faith, seeing things through Gospel values and truths? Gradually finding ourselves more like St. Paul when he cries out, "I live, no, not I, but Christ is beginning to live in me"?
There may be other signs we notice about our inner selves: a certain simplicity, a movement towards integrity - but wait a minute! Are we aware of what we have been saying? Noticing freedom, noticing detachment, noticing living by faith . . . ? Now that is something to notice! Is it possible to become a more noticing person? And here we have reached the central idea: discernment! Noticing is discernment; a noticing heart is a discerning heart. (Or is it a discerning head? Or is it both?)
Spiritual Direction
Let us pause to look at the other expression in our reflection, "spiritual direction." We all need direction, especially if we find ourselves in an unknown land of many roads, like parts of London or Birmingham. The same is true of our interior life, our spirit life. Most of us know all too well what St. Paul is talking about when he exclaims: "I don't know where I'm going. I don't do the good things I want to do; instead I do the evil I don't want to do. My inner being delights in the law of God; but I am aware of a different law that is at work in me, that fights against the law that my mind approves of. It makes me a prisoner to the law of sin which is at work in me. What an unhappy person I am! Who will rescue me from this road that is taking me to death? Who will show me the way?" (Rm 7:15-24, adapted). Everyone on the spiritual journey of life needs direction, needs guidance for the spirit. We know there are various maps to help us find this direction: spiritual books and magazines that we can study and learn by. Of particular use is that great map, the Holy Bible, which has directed more people in the world than any other book - and still does. Another source of direction is our own prayer, our struggle to be quiet and to reflect, our crying out "Give me guidance today, O Lord!" Our prayer shows us what road we are on, and what direction we are facing on that road.
Then there is another source, something that has been practiced in all cultures and religions, namely the conversation between two people about the interior life and its ways. This conversation is frequently called "spiritual direction". To a woman coming to me for such direction, I once said, as we faced each other in a relaxed setting, "And why do you want spiritual direction?" She was startled, but after a moment's silence she leaned forward and said, "I want to become more real." I was startled by the beauty of her response. Then I said: "And what would it mean for you to become more real?" Again she was thoughtful: "Well, I have this friend whose mother has Alzheimer's disease. Every time I see her when she's walking with her mother, she is smiling."
So some people seek spiritual direction, a conversation with another adult about their values and their God, because they have seen something beautiful in another person and they want to be like that. They are challenged to fill up what is empty in themselves, to grow, to go deeper, to become more real. Other people (like myself when I first sought direction many years ago) recognised that, although they want God in their lives, they get careless and are easily distracted or overwhelmed by the cares of the world. They want someone to be accountable to - so that, by telling their story, they may be strengthened in their resolve and receive clarity about the path to God.
Others seek spiritual direction because they are troubled: there is a crisis in their lives. It may be a relationship, a major decision about a vocational choice or an addiction. In all these cases, this crisis is affecting the sense of God in their lives. "Does God understand? Where is God? Am I on the right path? More tortuous than all else is the human heart. Where is my purpose?" They need the Lord to probe their mind and test their heart. For another group, things are not at all clear. There is no crisis, but there seems to be something missing. The refrain "Is that all there is?" rings through their lives. They have no adult with whom they can discuss values. And so, finding themselves drifting, uncertain, lacking meaning, they seek direction.
Do we now have some sense of what spiritual direction looks like? It is a conversation between two adults in which one is seeking guidance on the path to God and the meaning of life. It is not idle chatter, nor problem solving, though it is about the ordinary things of life: communication, living situations, working conditions and relationships. It takes time, honesty and a spriritual sense. Direction is a gift of the Spirit for forming the Christian community.
Spiritual Director
What about the spiritual director? Like all guides, it would seem that he or she should have some training, some expertise, and that he or she should also be receiving spiritual direction on the pilgrim road. We want a knowledgeable person, someone familiar with the inner movements of the heart. Someone possessing the skill of listening to where the person wants to go - listening is so important, and it is a listening that goes beyond ideas and words, focusing instead on desires and feelings. The guide need not be a holy person but must be a seeker of God, one who prays regularly and who has a vision of faith. Lastly, the spiritual guide must really have the interests of the pilgrim at heart, and so must be patient, humble and understanding. They are a mediator for the Spirit: for it is God who gives the increase, God who sends down the rain to water the paths.
Spiritual Direction Session
Can we say anything about what a spiritual-direction session would look like? Well, obviously, the directee would come prepared, that is ask her/himself beforehand: "Where has God been in my life since last we met? What have been some of my responses? As I reflect, what might I like from this session? Can I say anything about my prayer or about something that has struck me?" The session itself can last forty-five minutes to an hour, but no longer and possibly shorter. When someone begins direction, it is helpful to meet frequently: each week or every other week. After three or four meetings, the space can be lengthened to three or four weeks. To get the most benefit, the directee would take time to reflect on and even pray over the noteworthy points of the session. Let me illustrate this point. I rarely receive letters from my directees, but recently I did receive one that reads in part like this: "Just wanted to tell you how much I have come to value our sessions. Thanks very much for your interest, attention and care in helping me to come to know the Lord better in my life. I believe it is also helping me to communicate that kind of experience to others whom I meet in the course of my own work and ministry, my own life. I guess what occasions this, in addition to the gratitude, is that I just wrote up for myself, as I usually do, a little summary of the points that we talked about....And I was surprised to see how wide-ranging it was, and the depth too, and the commonalities among the points.... Certain themes do begin to appear after a time..." The director or guide prepares too, by prayer, reflection and sometimes by written observations that help chart the inner movements on the directee's journey and the basic direction.
Let me now say more about "discernment" and then relate it to how spiritual direction should help us to become more discerning persons. When faced with a major decision, individuals or groups will often say, "You know, I (we) have to discern that"; and then begin some process to which they give the name "discernment". Is that what discernment is? A process to follow when we have to make a big decision? Yes and no. I like to call decision making a "choosing" that gets into the will and into the feeling. And as I do that, I need to weigh things, before I say yes to what I choose. I like what Karl Rahner says, "there are no big decisions, there are only bundles of little decisions." He seems to be suggesting that we make little choices coming from our feelings and our thinking, perhaps more from one than the other. So discernment is something we can practice in those little choices that might eventually get into a bundle for a big choice. And discernment becomes some kind of habit of noticing my feelings and testing their reasonableness. That is, deciding whether or not they are leading me to my better self and to my God or leading me away, down some primrose path to my ego self. We should try to become a discerning person in the everyday and in the little choices, for discerning is not the kind of thing we can begin when we need to make a big decision. When asked "Who is the holy person?" the Lord Buddha answered: "There are sixty minutes to the hour, and sixty fractions of a second to each minute, and sixty fractions of a second to each second. If anyone could be fully present in each fraction of each second, that person would be a holy person." Awareness leads to right-mindedness. noticing, testing, leading to choice.
For most of us, growth in self-knowledge occurs when we take more notice of our feelings and name them. For, although we may be deeply feeling people, most of our conscious life is taken up with thought: making observations, giving our opinions, trying to figure out what we should do. But does this get down to the deeper self, the desiring self, the hoping and choosing self? Spiritual directors need to access this so that they see the necessity of helping directees uncover feelings and name them. But it is equally necessary that people test with their heads the inner reasonableness of their feelings: Where are they coming from? Are they leading me to or away from God? Can we conclude then that in discernment it would be a mistake to separate our feelings from our knowledge-insight? That it would be a mistake to consider our feelings as better criteria for discernment and decision making? And, finally, that we make a mistake when we overlook the possibility that, although operating out of our heads can distort the spiritual journey, living only by feelings or feeling-insights, "spiritual hunches" if you will, can be equally distortive?
Becoming More Discerning
But perhaps we are getting too theoretical. Let me give some examples of how spiritual direction can help someone become a more discerning person. Peter is an ordained minister who is beginning spiritual direction. he says he is overburdened by the work of an inner-city parish. In several sessions he mentions his hope that the spiritual direction will give him an answer to his "burnout." The spiritual director can help Peter examine his day, note areas that might be curtailed, and perhaps even recommend that he change ministries. Another way to go is to examine with Peter his feelings about his situation: What are the feelings? Anger? Sadness? Self-pity? Feeling abandoned and alone? He might then be asked whether the different feelings (not his work nor the situation in general) are leading him to God or away from God. This question needs to be asked with careful nuances. It is here, too, that the exchange can become prayerful. Most people never examine their feelings with God. They may mention them to God, but they never explore how God reacts to or feels about their feelings. It is almost as though God were "over there," observing things, but never empathic, never really involved in the feelings, especially "negative" ones like anger, sadness and self-pity. Is it possible that, as Peter explores his feelings about his burnout, he might become more aware, more discerning about his inner movements and the direction in which they are taking him: to God? away from God? Is it possible, too, that out of this awareness some clarity about practical decisions affecting his burnout might come to him? Can we see some kind of disciplined willingness to look at our feelings and testing their reasonableness with God is central to discernment? Can we also see that it is a challenge to the spiritual director to encourage directees, especially those who operate out of their head (as most of us do), to take this route? It is indeed a real challenge and hard work.
Maria has been coming for direction for several years. She is energetic, has a sense of humour and talks with verve and rapidity. She actively seeks God, even seems to wrestle with God in a verbal way. One day she blurts out: "Where am I in my relationship with God? I am becoming more and more aware of my sinfulness - not vague sinfulness, but specific sins and definite sinfulness. I realise I can do nothing good. I wonder why God bothers with me. And yet I am at peace with this; I don't feel upset by this. And then, when I go into poor neighbourhoods and see all the poor people and the poverty and suffering, I wonder if there is a God. I doubt that there can be a God. No, I just don't believe there is a God." She stops and looks at the director as though to say, "Now solve that!" Clearly the spiritual director cannot solve anything, nor should she try. Yet there is a "way out." In listening to Maria, the director needs also to listen to herself, noting any movements that are taking place within herself as she listens to Maria. She notices a twinge in her heart when Maria says, "I wonder why God bothers with me." Acting on that, and with patient questioning, the director explores: "Why do you wonder? What is that like? What are you feeling as you wonder that? And what might God be feeling as you realise within yourself that you can do nothing good by yourself?" Following this, there might be the opportunity to look closely at the poor, the suffering and the abandoned and to wonder with Maria whether God bothers with them. And then it might be possible to ask Maria: "Are you aware of God asking anything of you in all of this? Do you and God have anything in common here? " Helping a person sort out movements within, even seemingly contradictory movements like peace and sinfulness, compassion for the poor and disbelief in God, is exactly what spiritual direction and discernment is all about.
Summary observations about spiritual direction and becoming a discerning person
Formal spiritual direction allows someone to articulate experiences. The central element in experiences, however, is feelings and, ultimately, desires associated with those feelings. All growth in the spiritual life is strongly rooted in desire, and it is from desire that commitment flows. When spiritual direction is focused on discerning the inner movements, connections can be made, themes and tendencies become apparent, and a sense of desirable direction becomes clear. When this occurs over time, a feeling of energised peace develops on the journey. This becomes evident when remarks like these are made at the end of a direction session; "You're the only one I can talk with on this level - it means a lot to me." "This has been a very insightful session today - it hangs together." "My retreat experience has become more real to me after talking about it. Things are working out." When discernment is being practiced in spiritual direction, directees often correct judgements they have made about themselves, especially negative judgements. In other words, a positive realistic outlook about the self develops. In addition, the Achilles' Heel - that blocking, negative orientation which keeps recurring - generally gets discovered, and this allows for appropriate strategies to deal with it. Practicing discernment with the assistance of a spiritual director encourages a disciplined willingness to explore feelings, name them, and test them against reality, that is test their inner rationality. In this way we discover whether our feelings and what underlies them are leading us to God and our better self, or away from God into darkness and confusion. Insight alone rarely changes people. Action, or commitment to living differently, does change people. Hence, it is not sufficient that our discerning be merely an awareness. Motivated desires and even specific tasks need to follow awareness, and so it can be said that discernment and decision making work together for growth in the spiritual life. From the above, hopefully we can see that the goal of spiritual direction is to develop a discerning person who functions outside of the spiritual-direction relationship, someone who moves with clarity in the direction of active love. Hopefully, too, those two basic questions of the life journey: "What does it all mean and what shall I do with my love?" will find better, clearer answers.